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Hater of the Week*: Raja Bell May 11, 2006

Posted by hateroftheyear in Celebs, General Hating, Sports.
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I hate The Lakers. Fuck Smoosh. Fuck Phil Jackson. Fuck Kwame Brown. (Lamar Odom, you're cool) And fuck Kobe. This goes out to all of you who sent me that Youtube of Kobe Bryant dunking on Steve Nash. It broke my heart to see poor little Stevie get facialized like that. So much so, I refuse to provide a link for that video. Instead, let us turn our thoughts to happier times, like this clip of Raja Bell clotheslining the shit out of The Mamba:

*So maybe this happened last week, but I just figured out how to embed a youtube video.

I Hate Hot 97! May 9, 2006

Posted by hateroftheyear in General Hating, Music, New York.
3 comments

What the fuck is the matter with hip-hop? Last week everyone was all abuzz over the news of Hot 97.1 getting evicted from their downtown offices. I spent the better part of an afternoon reading and rereading this document from The Smoking Gun, and my mind is kind of blown. Three shootings since 2001. Can you even believe it? Can you imagine working in an office, for a publicly traded company, in arguably the most modern city in the world, and braving gunfire not once, but three fucking times since 2001? Absolutely ridiculous.

If there's a victim in this case, it's definitely the poor security guards who clearly get verbally abused on what seems to be a weekly basis. It honestly sounds like the worst job in the world. "Um, hi it's me down at the security gate. Larceny is here with 75 of his boys, should I let him up?" Is it really that unreasonable to reject them? Here are a few responses from several famous rappers:

Cam'ron: "I am going to cut you up," "I'm going to find out who you are, I'll see you again."
Busta Rhymes: "Shut the fuck up," "I'm going to kick everyone's ass."
DMX: "Fuck you $8.50 an hour faggot. If you step outside I'll kick your fucking ass you bitch."

Don't shoot the messenger! No, seriously Cam put the gun down.

Ridiculous. Possibly the only thing more ridiculous? "Smackfest." Basically, "smackfest" consists of chicks slapping the shit out of each other, initially for bragging rights ("Yo, did you hear me smack her on the radio?!"), but ultimately it turned into a cash prize. As a hater, I'm very conflicted. I like to see hateable people slapping each other, but I hate the fact that the ignorant assholes promoting the shit don't get smacked too. It's a rare hate-conundrum, I guess. (For Youtube videos of smackfest, please click here)

Violence is never funny It's hard not to laugh when some fat dude named "Gravy" gets shot in the ass. What's sad, though, is that rather than seek medical attention, the dude went upstairs to the station and went through with his interview! Said Gravy:

Getting shot ain't no joke, but I got up and still went upstairs and did the show…I had to do the show. That's my life.

A wise man once said "Don't hate the player, hate the game." I'm pretty sure I hate them both.

I Hate David Blaine May 9, 2006

Posted by hateroftheyear in Celebs, General Hating, New York.
3 comments

I guess I just don't understand what the big deal is. After spending 180 hours submerged in water, he attempted to free himself from 150 pounds of shackles, also under water. He blacked out and had to be rescued. After that, he tried to break the record for holding his breath under water, a lengthy 9 minutes. Unfortunately for Blaine, he failed that also.

Maybe I'm confused, but how is this interesting? I think anytime anyone attempts any of these death-defying stunts, they are only watched because some sick haterish part of the audience actually wants to see them die. When they are successful, everyone sighs in guilty relief, but really I think everyone's disappointed. In the case of David Blaine, not only did he fail his stunts, but he failed to die after failing his stunts- a double failure if you ask me.

NY Post Coverage

NY Times Coverage

Hate-ymology: Word of the Day May 8, 2006

Posted by hateroftheyear in General Hating.
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Main Entry: douche bumps
Pronunciation: 'düsh-"b&mps
Function: noun plural
: a momentary roughness of the skin produced by erection of its papillae especially from douchiness, douchebaggery, et cetera, often caused by the douche chills.
Usage: Ugh, I get douche bumps just thinking about her ex-boyfriend.

I've already sent this in to the folks at Urban Dictionary so don't get any ideas… 

Douchebags & The Hot Chicks Who Love Them. May 4, 2006

Posted by hateroftheyear in Blogs, General Hating.
2 comments

Wow. I thought I had found my niche here with Hater of the Year. I was just starting to get into a good flow: hating shit, writing about it, et cetera. But yesterday, I stumbled across a website that almost made me call it quits- Hot Chicks With Douchebags. I wish I had stolen the idea and passed it as my own before it became popular come up with the idea first!

If ever you need some editorial assistance, I'm your man… I hate douchebags!
Hot Chicks With Douchebags 

Tuesday Link-stravaganza* May 2, 2006

Posted by hateroftheyear in Blogs, Celebs, Food, General Hating, Music, New York, Sports.
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LA Clippers win their first playoff series in my lifetime. I am, along with thousands of other fans, eagerly awaiting Sports Guy's 10,000+ word, Gladwell-esque exegesis on the topic.

Life immitates art for the cast of the Sopranos: Artie Bucco gets busted for a Brooklyn slalom, and "Muscles Marinara" for stealing TVs, crappy guido shirts and beating store managers.

Cracked Magazine, which I truthfully didn't realize still existed, has a hilarious piece on Sportcenter's Most Cliched Catchphrases. My vote goes to Craig Kilborn for this gem: I got 99 problems, but that pitch ain't one. (via Deadspin)

Avery Cardoza's Player Magazine gets some Assimilated Negro treatment in The Devil's Publicist. I was always a fan of his "relationship stock market" theory and this quote cracks me up:

Of course everyone wants diversity in their portfolio, but some people do stay focused in one sector. I have a friend who swears by the Big Titties industry. All his money is always tied up in Big Titties.

*aka, I am too hungover and lazy to post an actual post, so here's what I'm reading this morning.

Brrrr… April 28, 2006

Posted by hateroftheyear in Blogs, General Hating, New York.
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Is it cold in here?

No?

Hmm… It must be the douche-chills I just got from looking at this picture.

(via Gawker: Blue States Lose)

Horse/Unicorn Beastiality Links. April 28, 2006

Posted by hateroftheyear in Animals, General Hating.
2 comments

Please note that I wrote "links" instead of "link." That's because I have not one, but TWO links for you that contain references to are entirely about boning horses/unicorns. My suggestion is that you watch the Unicorn video prior to reading this news story for maximum effect.

The police investigation began about two months ago after the owners of the barn reported finding sexual paraphernalia in a horse stall, according to Ambeau. The chief says that’s when the owner put up two cameras and captured images of a slender man walking between two stables.

A few things to consider:

It seems as though the guy wasn't just fucking the horse, but "engaging in sexual activities" with it. "Sexual paraphernalia?" Umm… what?! Is he role playing with the horse? Playing dress up? Using toys!??! Unreal.

If you suspected that someone was fucking/dildoing one of your horses, would you install cameras? How about hiding near the horse with a gun and when you see the dude, springing up and saying "Can you please stop fucking my horse!" Or maybe you just put up a sign.

Oh, to be a fly on wall during that interrogation.
Cop: Son, we know you dildoed that horse.
Horse Dildoer: No I didn't
Cop: Yes you did
Horse Dildoer: No I didn't
Cop: Hey ron, could you press play on the VCR please?
Horse Dildoer: …

I mean… Can we get this adapted for Law & Order: Special Victims Unit? Percent chance this is already in the works? I think as punishment they should lock this dude up with the a few of the hater chimps.

Hater Trendwatch: Handjobs. April 27, 2006

Posted by hateroftheyear in General Hating, New York.
1 comment so far

I have been preaching the wonders of the handjob for YEARS. Appropriately, I've found this picture on the great forum of hate known as Vice DOs and DON'Ts. Thanks to Vice, hopefully, the handjob will become a hipster staple, along with ironic haircuts, custom t-shirts and PBR. 

When Animals Hate! April 26, 2006

Posted by hateroftheyear in Animals, General Hating.
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File this in the Holy Fucking Shit Department. Apparently, there's a Texan-hating "killer chimp" on the loose! The dude says that the chimp "ripped his face off," and the headline says that it "burst through window, bit off hand." Pretty fucking haterish, either way.
Update: As I was searching for a way to link to CNN.com's stupid video player (the video is on the main CNN page), I searched for "killer chimp" and came up with this story from two days ago. The best part is that the story references another attack in California where the chimps mutilated genitals!

Armed police were searching Monday for 27 chimpanzees, Somasa said, while four other chimps had returned on their own accord to the reserve.

So a few of these chimps just meandered back to the scene of the crime?! Amazing. Is it too late to make the chimp the official Hater of the Year Mascot?