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NYC Weather: Seriously Haterish Shit June 8, 2006

Posted by hateroftheyear in General Hating, New York, Scarjo, Sports.
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Weather, as an idea, fucking sucks. Give me 85 degrees and sunny during the day with 50 degree nights and I promise never to complain again. On a Saturday morning, when I'm hungover it can be dark and rainy and cold. Later on, when I wake up, all of the shit better be dry and the sun should be out and shining.

As far as snow goes, I would allow it to occur three to four times per year. Once on Thanksgiving, Christmas Eve and Day, and several "key" moments throughout the course of the year- like, for example, when I'm walking Scarlett Johansson home from a date. When we step out of the restaurant it should be snowing. She'll say "Do you have any baby oil?" "Isn't it beautiful?" and we'll embrace passionately…

Seriously though, could you imagine how crowded New York City would be if it had Miami's weather? Or maybe it would be just like Miami. What's noteable, lately, is just how demoralizing this fucking weather is. Every day, it seems, for the last 3 weeks there has been one torrential downpour after another. What's worse is that the forecast, unfortunately, only calls for more shitty weather. What's a hater to do?

My advice? Camp in front of your tube and watch some World Cup or NBA Finals.


I Hate Hipsters. June 3, 2006

Posted by hateroftheyear in General Hating, Music, New York.

What the fuck is the wrong with this world? Last night, I went to see one of my favorite bands, French Kicks, at a lower east side music venue called Sin-e. Sin like 7 deadly ones, and E like the letter before F? Nope. It's pronounced shinnay.

I got there a bit too early which meant that I had to subject myself to 2 hours of opening bands. Luckily, the bands weren't too shitty and I got to check out some of the ironic/hipster fashion that the kids are rocking nowadays. It's always funny to see some douchebag wearing a striped wool sweater and cords when it's 1,000 degrees outside. In addition to ridiculous clothing, there were more bad haircuts and moustaches than you could shake a PBR at.

Nothing out of the ordinary, except for one girl with a bowl-cut. She seemed to know a lot of people and spoke with each of the bands as they got off the stage. She was carrying a large purse shaped like an electric guitar and wearing a black tee-shirt. She fit right into the crowd, but often acted a little odd. At first glance, she appeared to be your average hipster- funny haircut, ironic sense of fashion, and fond of bizarre rhythmic gyrations (she was standing next to several girls who were goofily dancing to all of the songs, as well).

As the night progressed, I realized that she is actually mentally challenged. Even though I am a hater, I would obviously NEVER make fun of someone for being disabled. What is funny is this: In a situation full of extreme hipster cases, the last thing that crossed my mind was that she was disabled.

Return of the Hater May 31, 2006

Posted by hateroftheyear in General Hating, New York.
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It's been a while since my last post, dearest haters, and for that I apologize. If it is any consolation, please know that my time was spent baking by a pool and drinking premium liqour while gambling away my hard-earned money. Needless to say, I am a more than a little bummed to be back. I'm still in the process of readjusting to life in NYC (read: detoxing) and until my haterish brain gets back to 100%, I ask you to enjoy the following links:

Clipse are the best rappers ever, period. Click here and download the Catchdubs remix of the Re-up Anthem. Pure fucking genius. (via Palms Out Sounds)

Not that there's any shortage of people to hate in this city, but I think I've found a new category of hateable New Yorkers: People who have rooftop pools.

Shaq needs a TV show, ASAP. This needs no further introduction:

HOTY Hiatus: Hate Amongst Yourselves May 19, 2006

Posted by hateroftheyear in Celebs, General Hating, Music, New York, Sports.
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Just as readership hits an all-time high, I will be headed to a place that I hate to love: Las Vegas. A week in 120 degree desert heat should do me some good and I promise not to lose my edge. I assure you that the time spent with overall-wearing white trash pounding Fosters at 10am will keep my hater-levels high. As much as I hate to leave you alone, I think all the fabulous dining, boozing and gambling will make up for it.

In the meantime: check out my blogroll and hit these links!

The Da Vinci Code: A hateable book becomes a hateable movie. A.O. Scott pulls no punches, and lets his hater shine through in this review for the Times.

The NBA Playoffs: Best. Playoffs. Ever. It's hard to link to one specific article when all of the matchups have been amazing. Let's hear it for The Clips and The Cavs, who have been instrumental in making this shit so much fun to watch. Bonus third link: Bill Simmons, a man far more articulate than me, discusses why this year is so special.

Britney's Baby Boondoggle: Sorry for the NY Post-like aliteration, but this is unreal! The baby's fallen out of a high-chair, had his head whipped back "violently," and been in two precarious situations involving automobiles. I'd say there's a zero chance this kid doesn't end up retarded, but with Brit and K-Fed as his parents, he didn't have much of a chance anyway.

Back in a week bitches!



New York vs Everywhere Else May 18, 2006

Posted by hateroftheyear in General Hating, New York.

New York is a funny place. I've been here for long enough now that I've grown accustomed to the sacrifices that one typically has to make when living here. In fact, I barely even think about it any more. That is, until I have a out-of-towner come to visit.

A bit of Hater background: I live in a decent-sized New York studio apartment. I have a separate, large-ish kitchen. In the main room I have a bed, a comfortable chair, a small desk that my laptop sits on, and small stand for my small TV.

Recently, I was lucky enough to have my good friend L come to visit me from Chicago. He shares an gigantic 1200sf loft-like apartment with his girlfriend. They have an enormous kitchen, several large living rooms which comfortably house large pieces of furniture. The have private outdoor space and a guest fucking bedroom. I will save my New York readers the heartbreak of knowing what they are paying. He loves this city and would possibly consider living here, but he makes it clear that he considers the living spaces, generally, to be quite inhumane.

We had just come home from a long night of barhopping and were lying in my queen-sized bed, about to go to sleep. A few minutes after the lights went off L said, diplomatically: "Have you ever thought of putting the bed sideways against the wall? It might open the room up."

It's funny because that's literally the only other option.

I Hate Schmutz May 17, 2006

Posted by hateroftheyear in General Hating, New York.
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Breaking news from the expert journalists at amNewYork:

The city's subway cars aren't that clean.

The article details the study by the Straphanger's Campaign, and their very scientific method of microbiological cleanliness known as "schmutziness." Funny, I must have missed that in all of my high school biology classes. The "study" also explains that in addition to the trains being dirty, it would appear that they are getting dirtier each year.

And overall, subway cars are a lot stickier, nastier and just plain dirtier than last year, according the group's "Subway Shmutz 2006" report, which was released Tuesday.

Hmm… so you're saying that as the years go by, and as ridership increases the trains are getting harder to keep clean?! Impossible! Despite the fact that the report clearly adheres to strictest standards of scientific methodology, it seems that the Transit Authority has found some fault in the results.

The agency said the report's methodology was flawed. …He said some of the Straphanger's numbers were "absurdly low" and "these figures defy both logic and common sense."

They also defy conventional uses of the English language. I wonder if these people could do a similar study on sidewalks, comparing their gumminess, garbageousity, dogshittery to years past.

(via amNY.com)

I Hate Brooklyn May 16, 2006

Posted by hateroftheyear in General Hating, New York.

Last June, after 4 and a half years in Manhattan, I decided to make the leap and move to Brooklyn. This move was good for me in many ways: having previously lived in the Financial District, I love having trees in my neighborhood. I also love the great bars and restaurants. So much so, in fact, that I almost entirely avoid Manhattan on the weekends. Is this a problem? I did not think so initially. However, I have begun to notice a correlation between the amount of time I spend in Brookyln and the amount of time I spend interacting with single women. Currently, it's been almost two months since any, a-hem, interaction. This is clearly a crisis situation. But what is the cause?

Brooklyn: Where hot chicks go to die.

It's not so much that there aren't any attractive women here, it's just that they are ALL in relationships. Brooklyn is almost like a modern day Noah's Ark. Everyone is coupled up. Should you find yourself in a bar or restaurant here, please take note the next time the door opens. 90% of the time it will be a couple. 9% of the time it will be two or more couples. The remaining 1% of the time, it will be me, walking in alone and headed to the bar for lonely meal. Afterwards, I will most likely not be having sex. Feel free to stop by and say hello.

The solution is simple, I know: spend more time in Manhattan. Aside of the fact that I've developed a heathy distaste, perhaps even a hatred of Manhattan on the weekends, I've realized that I no longer know any single people. On any given night, I am the 3rd, 5th or even the 7th wheel! Meeting people under these circumstances is definitely not easy. Certainly there have been exceptions, like the following, which are noteworthy for the obvious reasons:

Brooklyn pickup #1: School Teacher. Beautiful, intelligent, a talented lover. Unfortunately, also several years into a long-term relationship.
Brooklyn pickup #2: Musician. Beautiful, intelligent, a talented lover. Unfortunately, also several years into a long-term relationship. With a woman.

This is a call to attractive single (preferably straight) women in Brooklyn: Consider staying in your borough on the weekends. Call up a couple of friends and hit the trendy bar-filled drags in your newly gentrified hoods. The drinks are cheaper, and you might just end up meeting Hater of the Year.

Tom Cruise Saved My Monday May 15, 2006

Posted by hateroftheyear in Celebs, General Hating, New York.

I hate Mondays. I woke up this morning with a heart heavy with hate and a stomach raw from too many cocktails. The torrential downpour did not help matters. Neither did the fact that I left my umbrella at work and therefore had to schlep through the rain before and after my very humid F-train commute. I arrived to work extremely late and began my usual routine of pounding coffee and blogroll reading when I stumbled upon this Youtube video at Riff Market.  I feel limited by the English language in trying to properly convey just how hilarious this is. There are no words. Enjoy. 

DJ Star: Giving Hate a Bad Name May 11, 2006

Posted by hateroftheyear in General Hating, Music, New York.
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Ugh. I love hate, but this is ugly. After all the media attention given to Hot 97 getting evicted, I guess Power 105 decided to step their game up and win the ignorance contest, once and for all. On air, DJ Star (Gov't name: Troi Torain) offered $500 to the listener who would reveal the school that Hot 97 DJ Envy's daughter attends. He proceeded to issue the following threat to Envy's daughter:

"Yes, I disrespect your seed," Torain ranted. "If you didn't hear me, I said I would like to do an R. Kelly on your seed. On your little baby girl."

For those of you out-of-the-know, an "R. Kelly" consists of urinating on a girl (preferably underage) and then ejaculating on her. Wow. I'm absolutely speechless. The outlandish behavior of shock jocks is frequently blamed on Howard Stern, who was the first to really offend the masses. Sure Stern has crossed the line a few thousand times, but I have to think that he was at least trying to be funny. Star is just fucking stupid.

DJ Envy is no angel either. He was one of the creators of the remarkably unfunny "Tsunami Song" which features such clever lyrics as:

So now you're screwed, it's a tsunami
You better run and better kiss your ass away
Go find your mommy
I just saw her float by, a tree right through her head, and now your children will be sold child slavery

My brain hurts from trying to figure out who is more hateable here. Both Star and Envy are clearly horrendous human beings, but I think the real hate here goes out to the whatever audience has built up the demand for this kind of behavior. Ridiculous.

(NY Daily News Coverage)

I Hate Hot 97! May 9, 2006

Posted by hateroftheyear in General Hating, Music, New York.

What the fuck is the matter with hip-hop? Last week everyone was all abuzz over the news of Hot 97.1 getting evicted from their downtown offices. I spent the better part of an afternoon reading and rereading this document from The Smoking Gun, and my mind is kind of blown. Three shootings since 2001. Can you even believe it? Can you imagine working in an office, for a publicly traded company, in arguably the most modern city in the world, and braving gunfire not once, but three fucking times since 2001? Absolutely ridiculous.

If there's a victim in this case, it's definitely the poor security guards who clearly get verbally abused on what seems to be a weekly basis. It honestly sounds like the worst job in the world. "Um, hi it's me down at the security gate. Larceny is here with 75 of his boys, should I let him up?" Is it really that unreasonable to reject them? Here are a few responses from several famous rappers:

Cam'ron: "I am going to cut you up," "I'm going to find out who you are, I'll see you again."
Busta Rhymes: "Shut the fuck up," "I'm going to kick everyone's ass."
DMX: "Fuck you $8.50 an hour faggot. If you step outside I'll kick your fucking ass you bitch."

Don't shoot the messenger! No, seriously Cam put the gun down.

Ridiculous. Possibly the only thing more ridiculous? "Smackfest." Basically, "smackfest" consists of chicks slapping the shit out of each other, initially for bragging rights ("Yo, did you hear me smack her on the radio?!"), but ultimately it turned into a cash prize. As a hater, I'm very conflicted. I like to see hateable people slapping each other, but I hate the fact that the ignorant assholes promoting the shit don't get smacked too. It's a rare hate-conundrum, I guess. (For Youtube videos of smackfest, please click here)

Violence is never funny It's hard not to laugh when some fat dude named "Gravy" gets shot in the ass. What's sad, though, is that rather than seek medical attention, the dude went upstairs to the station and went through with his interview! Said Gravy:

Getting shot ain't no joke, but I got up and still went upstairs and did the show…I had to do the show. That's my life.

A wise man once said "Don't hate the player, hate the game." I'm pretty sure I hate them both.