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I Hate Brooklyn May 16, 2006

Posted by hateroftheyear in General Hating, New York.

Last June, after 4 and a half years in Manhattan, I decided to make the leap and move to Brooklyn. This move was good for me in many ways: having previously lived in the Financial District, I love having trees in my neighborhood. I also love the great bars and restaurants. So much so, in fact, that I almost entirely avoid Manhattan on the weekends. Is this a problem? I did not think so initially. However, I have begun to notice a correlation between the amount of time I spend in Brookyln and the amount of time I spend interacting with single women. Currently, it's been almost two months since any, a-hem, interaction. This is clearly a crisis situation. But what is the cause?

Brooklyn: Where hot chicks go to die.

It's not so much that there aren't any attractive women here, it's just that they are ALL in relationships. Brooklyn is almost like a modern day Noah's Ark. Everyone is coupled up. Should you find yourself in a bar or restaurant here, please take note the next time the door opens. 90% of the time it will be a couple. 9% of the time it will be two or more couples. The remaining 1% of the time, it will be me, walking in alone and headed to the bar for lonely meal. Afterwards, I will most likely not be having sex. Feel free to stop by and say hello.

The solution is simple, I know: spend more time in Manhattan. Aside of the fact that I've developed a heathy distaste, perhaps even a hatred of Manhattan on the weekends, I've realized that I no longer know any single people. On any given night, I am the 3rd, 5th or even the 7th wheel! Meeting people under these circumstances is definitely not easy. Certainly there have been exceptions, like the following, which are noteworthy for the obvious reasons:

Brooklyn pickup #1: School Teacher. Beautiful, intelligent, a talented lover. Unfortunately, also several years into a long-term relationship.
Brooklyn pickup #2: Musician. Beautiful, intelligent, a talented lover. Unfortunately, also several years into a long-term relationship. With a woman.

This is a call to attractive single (preferably straight) women in Brooklyn: Consider staying in your borough on the weekends. Call up a couple of friends and hit the trendy bar-filled drags in your newly gentrified hoods. The drinks are cheaper, and you might just end up meeting Hater of the Year.



1. TV Swan - May 16, 2006

I forwent Manhattan for Brooklyn 21 years ago. I almost never to into the city on weekends. I also almost never go out in my neighborhood, Williamsburg, because it is overrun by the grossest posuers on the planet. so pretty much here I am a gorgeous hater, single artist who works in publishing who spends most of my time in my garden, reading, writing my book, painting and just basicaly avoiding the world at large.. My reclusive side is getting the better of me.. but I just can’t help it. Love your site. Definitely don’t hate it.

2. hateroftheyear - May 16, 2006

I hear you loud and clear on Billsburg. Thanks for the kind words on the site!

3. TV Swan - May 16, 2006

I even hate it when people call it Billyburg.. I prefer my own coinage of late: Millionsburgh.

Haters die hard, don’t we?

4. jonathantu - May 16, 2006

hoty, I recommend the following: gay bars.

Whatever your feeling may be on homosexuality, it is a known factum of life, the universe and everything that incredibly hot heterosexual women frequent good gay bars because (1) the bartenders are always attractive males, even if they play for the other team (2) good gay bars make the best drinks (3) good gay bars are a change of pace even from good straight bars in that they are not being encircled by hawks, wolves and the like.

Think about that. A flock of attractive straight women in a gay bar is actually not receiving the majority of the attention; this is a novelty and you should approach it as such. Their guard is automatically down in terms of speaking to males they might not otherwise deign to talk with. Begin conversations with discussions of their purses, the cut of their hair or the particularly brilliant flavors found in a mangotini.

The best example of this in the world is probably the Abbey in West Hollywood, which is about two blocks from where I live. If you can’t get a number in a place like that, you might as well turn your penis in.

5. hateroftheyear - May 17, 2006

Excellent advice…

6. chartreuse - September 8, 2006

Don’t ask me how but I just found this post.
Very funny.

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