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Return of the Hater May 31, 2006

Posted by hateroftheyear in General Hating, New York.
1 comment so far

It's been a while since my last post, dearest haters, and for that I apologize. If it is any consolation, please know that my time was spent baking by a pool and drinking premium liqour while gambling away my hard-earned money. Needless to say, I am a more than a little bummed to be back. I'm still in the process of readjusting to life in NYC (read: detoxing) and until my haterish brain gets back to 100%, I ask you to enjoy the following links:

Clipse are the best rappers ever, period. Click here and download the Catchdubs remix of the Re-up Anthem. Pure fucking genius. (via Palms Out Sounds)

Not that there's any shortage of people to hate in this city, but I think I've found a new category of hateable New Yorkers: People who have rooftop pools.

Shaq needs a TV show, ASAP. This needs no further introduction:


HOTY Hiatus: Hate Amongst Yourselves May 19, 2006

Posted by hateroftheyear in Celebs, General Hating, Music, New York, Sports.
1 comment so far

Just as readership hits an all-time high, I will be headed to a place that I hate to love: Las Vegas. A week in 120 degree desert heat should do me some good and I promise not to lose my edge. I assure you that the time spent with overall-wearing white trash pounding Fosters at 10am will keep my hater-levels high. As much as I hate to leave you alone, I think all the fabulous dining, boozing and gambling will make up for it.

In the meantime: check out my blogroll and hit these links!

The Da Vinci Code: A hateable book becomes a hateable movie. A.O. Scott pulls no punches, and lets his hater shine through in this review for the Times.

The NBA Playoffs: Best. Playoffs. Ever. It's hard to link to one specific article when all of the matchups have been amazing. Let's hear it for The Clips and The Cavs, who have been instrumental in making this shit so much fun to watch. Bonus third link: Bill Simmons, a man far more articulate than me, discusses why this year is so special.

Britney's Baby Boondoggle: Sorry for the NY Post-like aliteration, but this is unreal! The baby's fallen out of a high-chair, had his head whipped back "violently," and been in two precarious situations involving automobiles. I'd say there's a zero chance this kid doesn't end up retarded, but with Brit and K-Fed as his parents, he didn't have much of a chance anyway.

Back in a week bitches!



New York vs Everywhere Else May 18, 2006

Posted by hateroftheyear in General Hating, New York.

New York is a funny place. I've been here for long enough now that I've grown accustomed to the sacrifices that one typically has to make when living here. In fact, I barely even think about it any more. That is, until I have a out-of-towner come to visit.

A bit of Hater background: I live in a decent-sized New York studio apartment. I have a separate, large-ish kitchen. In the main room I have a bed, a comfortable chair, a small desk that my laptop sits on, and small stand for my small TV.

Recently, I was lucky enough to have my good friend L come to visit me from Chicago. He shares an gigantic 1200sf loft-like apartment with his girlfriend. They have an enormous kitchen, several large living rooms which comfortably house large pieces of furniture. The have private outdoor space and a guest fucking bedroom. I will save my New York readers the heartbreak of knowing what they are paying. He loves this city and would possibly consider living here, but he makes it clear that he considers the living spaces, generally, to be quite inhumane.

We had just come home from a long night of barhopping and were lying in my queen-sized bed, about to go to sleep. A few minutes after the lights went off L said, diplomatically: "Have you ever thought of putting the bed sideways against the wall? It might open the room up."

It's funny because that's literally the only other option.

I Hate Schmutz May 17, 2006

Posted by hateroftheyear in General Hating, New York.
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Breaking news from the expert journalists at amNewYork:

The city's subway cars aren't that clean.

The article details the study by the Straphanger's Campaign, and their very scientific method of microbiological cleanliness known as "schmutziness." Funny, I must have missed that in all of my high school biology classes. The "study" also explains that in addition to the trains being dirty, it would appear that they are getting dirtier each year.

And overall, subway cars are a lot stickier, nastier and just plain dirtier than last year, according the group's "Subway Shmutz 2006" report, which was released Tuesday.

Hmm… so you're saying that as the years go by, and as ridership increases the trains are getting harder to keep clean?! Impossible! Despite the fact that the report clearly adheres to strictest standards of scientific methodology, it seems that the Transit Authority has found some fault in the results.

The agency said the report's methodology was flawed. …He said some of the Straphanger's numbers were "absurdly low" and "these figures defy both logic and common sense."

They also defy conventional uses of the English language. I wonder if these people could do a similar study on sidewalks, comparing their gumminess, garbageousity, dogshittery to years past.

(via amNY.com)

I Hate Brooklyn May 16, 2006

Posted by hateroftheyear in General Hating, New York.

Last June, after 4 and a half years in Manhattan, I decided to make the leap and move to Brooklyn. This move was good for me in many ways: having previously lived in the Financial District, I love having trees in my neighborhood. I also love the great bars and restaurants. So much so, in fact, that I almost entirely avoid Manhattan on the weekends. Is this a problem? I did not think so initially. However, I have begun to notice a correlation between the amount of time I spend in Brookyln and the amount of time I spend interacting with single women. Currently, it's been almost two months since any, a-hem, interaction. This is clearly a crisis situation. But what is the cause?

Brooklyn: Where hot chicks go to die.

It's not so much that there aren't any attractive women here, it's just that they are ALL in relationships. Brooklyn is almost like a modern day Noah's Ark. Everyone is coupled up. Should you find yourself in a bar or restaurant here, please take note the next time the door opens. 90% of the time it will be a couple. 9% of the time it will be two or more couples. The remaining 1% of the time, it will be me, walking in alone and headed to the bar for lonely meal. Afterwards, I will most likely not be having sex. Feel free to stop by and say hello.

The solution is simple, I know: spend more time in Manhattan. Aside of the fact that I've developed a heathy distaste, perhaps even a hatred of Manhattan on the weekends, I've realized that I no longer know any single people. On any given night, I am the 3rd, 5th or even the 7th wheel! Meeting people under these circumstances is definitely not easy. Certainly there have been exceptions, like the following, which are noteworthy for the obvious reasons:

Brooklyn pickup #1: School Teacher. Beautiful, intelligent, a talented lover. Unfortunately, also several years into a long-term relationship.
Brooklyn pickup #2: Musician. Beautiful, intelligent, a talented lover. Unfortunately, also several years into a long-term relationship. With a woman.

This is a call to attractive single (preferably straight) women in Brooklyn: Consider staying in your borough on the weekends. Call up a couple of friends and hit the trendy bar-filled drags in your newly gentrified hoods. The drinks are cheaper, and you might just end up meeting Hater of the Year.

Tom Cruise Saved My Monday May 15, 2006

Posted by hateroftheyear in Celebs, General Hating, New York.

I hate Mondays. I woke up this morning with a heart heavy with hate and a stomach raw from too many cocktails. The torrential downpour did not help matters. Neither did the fact that I left my umbrella at work and therefore had to schlep through the rain before and after my very humid F-train commute. I arrived to work extremely late and began my usual routine of pounding coffee and blogroll reading when I stumbled upon this Youtube video at Riff Market.  I feel limited by the English language in trying to properly convey just how hilarious this is. There are no words. Enjoy. 

DJ Star: Giving Hate a Bad Name May 11, 2006

Posted by hateroftheyear in General Hating, Music, New York.
1 comment so far

Ugh. I love hate, but this is ugly. After all the media attention given to Hot 97 getting evicted, I guess Power 105 decided to step their game up and win the ignorance contest, once and for all. On air, DJ Star (Gov't name: Troi Torain) offered $500 to the listener who would reveal the school that Hot 97 DJ Envy's daughter attends. He proceeded to issue the following threat to Envy's daughter:

"Yes, I disrespect your seed," Torain ranted. "If you didn't hear me, I said I would like to do an R. Kelly on your seed. On your little baby girl."

For those of you out-of-the-know, an "R. Kelly" consists of urinating on a girl (preferably underage) and then ejaculating on her. Wow. I'm absolutely speechless. The outlandish behavior of shock jocks is frequently blamed on Howard Stern, who was the first to really offend the masses. Sure Stern has crossed the line a few thousand times, but I have to think that he was at least trying to be funny. Star is just fucking stupid.

DJ Envy is no angel either. He was one of the creators of the remarkably unfunny "Tsunami Song" which features such clever lyrics as:

So now you're screwed, it's a tsunami
You better run and better kiss your ass away
Go find your mommy
I just saw her float by, a tree right through her head, and now your children will be sold child slavery

My brain hurts from trying to figure out who is more hateable here. Both Star and Envy are clearly horrendous human beings, but I think the real hate here goes out to the whatever audience has built up the demand for this kind of behavior. Ridiculous.

(NY Daily News Coverage)

Hater of the Week*: Raja Bell May 11, 2006

Posted by hateroftheyear in Celebs, General Hating, Sports.

I hate The Lakers. Fuck Smoosh. Fuck Phil Jackson. Fuck Kwame Brown. (Lamar Odom, you're cool) And fuck Kobe. This goes out to all of you who sent me that Youtube of Kobe Bryant dunking on Steve Nash. It broke my heart to see poor little Stevie get facialized like that. So much so, I refuse to provide a link for that video. Instead, let us turn our thoughts to happier times, like this clip of Raja Bell clotheslining the shit out of The Mamba:

*So maybe this happened last week, but I just figured out how to embed a youtube video.

I Hate Hot 97! May 9, 2006

Posted by hateroftheyear in General Hating, Music, New York.

What the fuck is the matter with hip-hop? Last week everyone was all abuzz over the news of Hot 97.1 getting evicted from their downtown offices. I spent the better part of an afternoon reading and rereading this document from The Smoking Gun, and my mind is kind of blown. Three shootings since 2001. Can you even believe it? Can you imagine working in an office, for a publicly traded company, in arguably the most modern city in the world, and braving gunfire not once, but three fucking times since 2001? Absolutely ridiculous.

If there's a victim in this case, it's definitely the poor security guards who clearly get verbally abused on what seems to be a weekly basis. It honestly sounds like the worst job in the world. "Um, hi it's me down at the security gate. Larceny is here with 75 of his boys, should I let him up?" Is it really that unreasonable to reject them? Here are a few responses from several famous rappers:

Cam'ron: "I am going to cut you up," "I'm going to find out who you are, I'll see you again."
Busta Rhymes: "Shut the fuck up," "I'm going to kick everyone's ass."
DMX: "Fuck you $8.50 an hour faggot. If you step outside I'll kick your fucking ass you bitch."

Don't shoot the messenger! No, seriously Cam put the gun down.

Ridiculous. Possibly the only thing more ridiculous? "Smackfest." Basically, "smackfest" consists of chicks slapping the shit out of each other, initially for bragging rights ("Yo, did you hear me smack her on the radio?!"), but ultimately it turned into a cash prize. As a hater, I'm very conflicted. I like to see hateable people slapping each other, but I hate the fact that the ignorant assholes promoting the shit don't get smacked too. It's a rare hate-conundrum, I guess. (For Youtube videos of smackfest, please click here)

Violence is never funny It's hard not to laugh when some fat dude named "Gravy" gets shot in the ass. What's sad, though, is that rather than seek medical attention, the dude went upstairs to the station and went through with his interview! Said Gravy:

Getting shot ain't no joke, but I got up and still went upstairs and did the show…I had to do the show. That's my life.

A wise man once said "Don't hate the player, hate the game." I'm pretty sure I hate them both.

I Hate David Blaine May 9, 2006

Posted by hateroftheyear in Celebs, General Hating, New York.

I guess I just don't understand what the big deal is. After spending 180 hours submerged in water, he attempted to free himself from 150 pounds of shackles, also under water. He blacked out and had to be rescued. After that, he tried to break the record for holding his breath under water, a lengthy 9 minutes. Unfortunately for Blaine, he failed that also.

Maybe I'm confused, but how is this interesting? I think anytime anyone attempts any of these death-defying stunts, they are only watched because some sick haterish part of the audience actually wants to see them die. When they are successful, everyone sighs in guilty relief, but really I think everyone's disappointed. In the case of David Blaine, not only did he fail his stunts, but he failed to die after failing his stunts- a double failure if you ask me.

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